Resolute

Three weeks of January almost over. What?!

I've noticed the treadmills at the gym standing empty and alone. They seem to be begging people to come and hop on. I do hope people make healthy choices but I'm glad for the space.

Do you make resolutions?

I don't. I do look back and evaluate and try to make purposeful steps forward. Is that the same thing?

Looking back I will say that last year was tough. I don't know why. Do you think the number 13 had anything to do with it?

I struggled with my identity, my job, my marriage. I thought your 40's were supposed to be when you start to feel comfortable in your own skin, like you're coming into your own, when you get your grove on.

I'm still waiting.

I find it difficult to not compare myself with other women. By the looks of things everyone has it together: great jobs, great marriages, happy children and an underlying sense of peace and contentment. At least that is what I gather from Facebook.

Here's what true in my life.

I struggle with 'just' being a church secretary. Once upon a time I wanted to travel the world and experience life with all it's different sights, sounds and flavors, and even though I'm older and hopefully wiser, that desire is still deep inside.  I stuff  it under my office chair where I spend a big chunk of my day with co-workers who don't know how 30 feels, and pat myself on the back for being responsible.

Farmer Boy and I had a tough year. I don't have any idea what happened. I don't think it was one big event that happened in 2013. but a lot of little things that have built up, gone unspoken and ignored by the pace of this life we maintain. I suppose it all came to a head this past year.  I would say we are finding our foundation once again but I know we have a lot of work to do. This lecture by Tim Keller was very helpful to me. It was a good reminder of what marriage is all about. I guess I forgot.

Having our oldest go through her senior year and then head off to college was also traumatic. During her senior year I was constantly reminded of all things ending. It was her last Homecoming, her last cross country meet, her last 4H meeting, her last day of school. Then she moved away, had her first day of college classes, her first birthday away from us and her first Christmas home. Now she is talking about spending the summer away from us. It was all an adjustment that was good and how it was supposed to be, but I think it knocked me off balance. I'm slow with change.

I could go on but I don't want to talk to long. I'm looking ahead and I'm hopeful. I'm starting to see calm and contentment breaking the horizon and I can actually feel it's warmth. I'm writing a lot in my journal and discovering that being honest and true with myself is like oxygen. I usually prefer avoidance, which in my case often disguises itself in a cloak of distraction, but I'm trying to stay focused. Stillness is a gift, as is gratitude. If I allow them to, they lead me back to the cross which is exactly where I need to be.

There you have it. A start to the new year that doesn't involve treadmills.

Hoping you all the best this year.

Over and out.