Straight Down

Something happened around here yesterday.

Yesterday was January 5. I'd been dreading the day since December 19 and yesterday, despite all my pleadings to the heavens, the day arrived.

My last day of work for the Christmas break was December 19. When I left work that day I thought I would feel more elated than I did. I had two weeks ahead of me reserved for family, food and whatever happened to come along. For two weeks I wasn't going to get up at 5am and head to the gym. I could get up at 7am or even 8am and head to the gym. I didn't have to worry about what I was going to wear. I planned on wearing my leggings and my hoodie sweatshirt. Every day. All day. There was going to be movies to see, books to read, friends to have tea with and time.

However, as I walked out to my van the night of the 19th I was grumpy. I got home and could not get myself out from under the grey cloud that clung to me.

How could I enjoy two weeks of holiday, when I knew I had to go back to work on January 5?

I didn't want to go back to work.

Am I the only person out there who can't ever be content with a job? I always seem to want more. More excitement, more challenge, more freedom, more, more, more. If you'd ask me what I want to do with my life, I'd have to tell you I have no idea.

I don't know.

My mantra.

I do have a list of things I want but I'm not sure what to do with it.

Here it is:

I do want to find something I can pour myself into.
I do want to use the gifts and talents God has blessed me with even if I'm not sure what they are.
I do want my job to be a place where I can build some long lasting and meaningful relationships.
I do want flexibility and freedom to take care of my family if and when they need me. They will always and forever come first.
I do want to contribute to our family's finances because I can, I have the time, I want to help Farmer Boy, and I know I have something to offer. Something - I'm just not sure what it is.

So yesterday I got up and wrote in my journal,
"Today is a horrible, terrible, very bad day. I hate today."

I thought attacking the day like a grown up was the best way through.

I got up, did what I needed to do, and even got to work a few minutes early. My co-workers arrived and after a few minutes, we were laughing. At lunch I went to the gym, turned up my music and had an awesome workout. When I left the gym I noticed that there was a slight dusting of snow on my van but I knew we were supposed to get a little snow so didn't think much about it.

As the afternoon wore on, I stole occasional glances out the window at the continuing snowfall. It just kept coming and coming. It fell straight down from the sky in big flakes and colored our brown world white.

At 3:30pm, my supervisor told me I could leave as the weather was getting worse and things were very quiet.

I took her up on it. I was worried about the kids getting home from school and I was worried about getting in our driveway.

As I stepped outside of my office building and headed to the van, I felt like I had walked into some type of magical fairy land, the kind of place where Aslan or Mr. Tumnus might show up. The snow was still falling, straight and full of design. The trees and wind seemed  mesmerized by the beauty, caught with their mouths wide open, standing perfectly and completely still, bewitched. I walked, feet crunching, my mitted hand outstretched, trying to grab some beauty. My van was covered by about a two inch white blanket. I dug out my ice scraper and brushed it off, reluctant to disturb it, but needing to see so I could get home.

I made it home and when I pulled in the driveway, I could see Lizzy's car parked safely in her spot.

The kids were home.

Farmer Boy still hadn't made it but shortly after a phone call and his reassurance, I saw his headlights reflecting against the shed where he parks. Now, we were all home.

We gathered around the table, all of us with no where to go, and ate tacos. We talked about our day and shoved chips and salsa into our mouths. As we finished up, Lizzy announced she was going outside.

"C'mon Will. It'll be fun. Let's go play football."

Off they went.

Kelli sat at the table with Farmer Boy and I.  After some coaxing, she grabbed her snow stuff and headed out.

Farmer Boy washed up the dishes and I dried. Then without words, we grabbed our snow stuff and headed out into the white fairy land.

We didn't see any white witches or centaurs, but we did chase a brown ball through the freshly fallen white snow. We hooted and hollered, we tackled each other, our boots slippery in the snow.

Of course I scored two touch downs. I was unstoppable and apparently my coat is slippery enough that no one could grab onto it.

After we came back inside and warmed ourselves by the wood-stove, we started making our way up to bed. As I lay tucked in and warm it hit me. Today was anything but a terrible, horrible, very bad day. Today was magic. It fell down around me in big white flakes, blessings upon blessings, piled up high enough to play in.

And that is something to know.