Friday, February 10, 2017

When You Need To Walk

I walked today.

The sky was dark and the streetlights stood at attention while politely showing me where to go next. Wind chimes danced and sang in the early morning breeze. Cars sounded hesitant at first, but the longer I walked, the bolder and faster they seemed to get as their numbers increased.

Desk lamps and TV's started showing up in once darkened windows. Garage doors opened and people dressed in business casual stepped into their cars and backed out of their driveways. I felt sorry for them. Did they have to leave home so early? Why? Will they get to come home early? Do they want to get to work while everything is still quiet?  Hmm.

I walked today.

I had a strength workout planned and written out. My work-out clothes were waiting for me on the bathroom counter but when I entered the bathroom this morning, I turned away from them. They were not warm enough for my new plan.

I needed to walk.

This week I have caught myself with mugs of tea in my hand, staring out of windows, as if my soul was clawing at me, wanting it's turn. I have started a new job that I love, but everything is new and tense as I feel the pressure to learn, to do a good job, and to show them they hired the right person.

I suppose I haven't had much time for my soul. Time for stillness, reflection, and swallowing and digesting what life has been all about. It's been full steam ahead. It's been get it done and done well. It's been trying to figure out what to wear, and how to do, and where to go.

Add to that Farmer Boy and his new business venture. I'm proud and thankful for his bravery, but the rhythms in our house have changed. Places and times that were once mine, are not mine anymore. He is here, in the house, most of the time, and that's new. I know there are new places and times for me to explore and discover, but I haven't got there yet.

Also, my sweet girls are off at school learning and doing and becoming and I couldn't be more proud, but again something has shifted in our house. There is a lot more manliness in this place. More man sounds and more man habits that I find a bit nasty. There is less conversation about school and friends and simple goings-on. The balance in my little house has shifted and it simply adds to to the feeling of new and different and it just happened. I didn't plan, or anticipate, or even know. It just happened.

What does starting a new business look like? We didn't know. What does it mean to have only one child at home instead of three? We didn't know. What would it be like to have more boys in the house than girls?  I didn't know. You don't know what you don't know - it is true.

I walked this morning.

There were no tears, no light bulb moments, no deep thoughts.  There were no conclusions, no plans for the handling of the excessive manly noises. I just walked. By myself. In a space where no one else was. I looked at streetlights. I listened to cars.  I noticed dimly light rooms in mostly dark houses, and I felt sorry for people who had to dress up and head to work before 6 a.m. on a Friday.

I walked and it was lovely.

A sweet friend sent me flowers to celebrate the first day of my new job. Beautiful.


I was looking for an alone place. Not here. 

Ms. Liz with a new college friend enjoying the snow.
Sweet Kelli. Home from Tanzania.

"Bye Will. Have a great day."
No response.
Not even a turn to smile at me
.