I'm confused as to why I can't find anything but most days I press on, do what I need to do, and am hopeful that something will come along.
That was not my yesterday.
I woke up with a headache which in itself ticked me off. I've made subtle changes in my diet and haven't had a headache in a while. So, when it was standing over me, knocking, even before I got out of bed, I was not pleased. Perhaps bitter is a word? I can think of more suitable words but I won't share them here.
After the kids left for school, I deflated.
I didn't want to be optimistic or hopeful. If I had to sit down at my computer and send out one more resume, I was going to scream.
Couldn't do it. Simply couldn't do it.
So I tied up my shoes and took off. Before I left I emailed my Bible Study girls and told them I wasn't having the best of days. I figured if I didn't have it in me to be prayerful, hopeful and thankful, they would.
I walked for an hour and a half. I did not want to be in my house. I did not want to hear the phone that doesn't ring, or check the emails that don't fill up my inbox, or be reminded of housework that I could be doing but just don't have the stomach for right now.
I walked angry.
I pounded the gravel, arms swinging, daring that dog that lives down the road to come out and bark at me.
I didn't see it yesterday. It must have known the mood I was in.
I asked lots of questions. Where are you God? Why aren't you talking to me? Tell me what I'm supposed to be doing!!!! Why so quiet? I could use some words here! Something. Anything.
And then I got home.
Because I didn't know what else to do, I opened my email.
Look what I found.
"Bless your sweet Heart. I hear your pain. Don't be alone. Call your husband. Call me. Volunteer with somebody really broken. Come to my house and help me make raspberry jam. Come with me to buy groceries at Fareway. Don't be alone. Thank God for this pain that he will make something good come from it. (That is exactly what Ann Voskamp says)
I am praying for you. Listen to music that you love, especially try listening to John Williams movie scores. Come over here and listen to movie scores with me while we make jam. Come over here and sort through my credit card receipts so I can make sure everything reconciles. Just lay on my couch and tell me your sorrows and I will cry with you.
All of this, I give to you."
And then there was this.
"A walk will be good. Do not take any weaponry with you...NONE. Praying, praying, praying. Fight Kris, you can do it. Jesus is beside you----CLAIM IT..even if it is hard to believe right now. Love, love, love you!!!"
Does this girl know me or what? I hadn't even told her about the dog.
Then I got this text.
"I do not deserve a friendship like yours. Thank goodness, God didn't ask me what I deserve. Thank you friend!!"
I was too much into my pity party yesterday to go hang with my sweet raspberry jam making friend.
Too stubborn to admit I'm weak. Too angry to unclench my fists.
That was yesterday.
Today those words are rolling over me like the sound of rain on a roof, and I'm hopeful that God will bring it. I'm not sure what 'it' is but it will be all I need.
Today, because I have such awesome friends who I don't deserve, I'm going to send out more resumes and clean my house because my lovely Bible Study ladies are coming over tonight and I can't wait.
Thanks for the rain ladies.