I cried myself to sleep last night.
Elizabeth leaves for school on Friday. Today is Wednesday, Thursday, and then Friday.
I've been doing fine. Really.
I thought maybe I'd escape tears this time around. I've been through this before. I thought the first time around was the worst but then last night I sat down and watched two episodes of "Call the Midwife."
It is a British drams set in 1950's East London. Jennifer Worth's memoirs are the basis of the show. She was a midwife who found herself in an East End London community surrounded by poverty, other nurses, and nuns.
Of course each episode features a baby being born. A baby being born. A baby.
I remember when my babies were born. I want my babies. My curly-haired cutey who had pudgy cheeks, a pink blankey, and who cried when her mommy left the room is leaving for school on Friday.
Today is Wednesday.
Last night I watched and cried. Thoughts and questions tumbled through my brain.
Did I hold her enough?
Did I give her enough kisses?
Does she know how much I love her?
I want more time. I want to go back. I would be so much better this time around. I would slow down. I would watch all her cartwheels. I would play more Polly Pockets. I would push her longer on the swing. I would keep my cool.
I want to go back but I'm thrilled to watch her move forward. I'm a little mixed up.
So here's my list.
What to Do When You Don't Know What You Are Doing
Okay. Maybe not alcohol.
Last night as my eyes overflowed and snot ran into my mouth I made myself some chamomile tea. Hot tea always makes things better.
Talk to a Friend
I texted my friend today. I just let it all out. I said things that didn't make any sense because she is that friend. I say ridiculous things. I say what needs said in those uncensored moments. She simply listens, takes what I give her, polishes it up, sometimes turns it around and around so I can see it differently, and then hands it back to me in love. You need that kind of friend.
Crank Up The Music.
The louder the better. Seriously. Turn it all the way up so all you can think about is the music.
Here's my favorite this week.
Turn it up!
Keep Living Until You Feel Alive Again.
This nugget comes direct from "Call the Midwife." Nurse Jenny loses someone dear to her and one of her patients who lost most of her loved ones in the Holocaust, passes along this bit of wisdom.
Keep living until you feel alive again.
Do the laundry.
Make the bed.
Go to work.
Go for a walk.
Buy more chamomile tea.
And that my dear ones is all I've got.
I hope if you are sending your baby off to college you will know you are not alone.
I'm drinking copious amounts of chamomile tea, swallowing snot, listening to outrageously loud music, doing laundry, making supper, watching "Call the Midwife, and busying myself with the stuff of every day life.
I honestly don't know what else to do.
I guess I'll make sure my baby gets enough kisses before Friday.