5J: Making a List (should probably check it twice).

Fuss and bother.

That has been the theme of my week. I’ve been a little supercharged, a bit too loud, way too task-oriented, and extremely unable to be content with sitting still.

In the midst of all of that, this has been one of the most sluggish weeks ever. Why?

Me, my mom, and my two sisters. Aren't we cute? The picture is a little old but we haven't aged since then. Promise.

Farmer Boy, Will and I drove home to Ontario for American Thanksgiving. We arrived on Tuesday night and headed back to the U. S. of A on Sunday. It was a lot of driving. It was a great visit home with my family. It was a family holiday with only a part of us as the girls were not able to travel but had to stay here in the States.

Returning from a trip always means playing catch up. There is home stuff to catch up on, work stuff to catch up on, and the catching up on, or the returning to, the everyday flow of life that a holiday gives you a break from.

So why the fuss and bother? Why my supercharged, turn-up the volume self?

I don’t really have an answer for that. Do we ever really have an answer for bad behavior? Excuses perhaps but justifiable reasons? Probably not.

But of course I am going to offer my excuse or maybe the reason why I was so fussy this week. You decide.

My state of mind this week has roots in the tension I feel between my life here in Iowa and the pull of my family back in Canada. I want to live in both places. This is not a new thing for me. I know I've talked about it here before but the tension is still present.

I love my life here. I also love Canada, love my family, and love being near them and doing things with them. Everything just seems to make a bit more sense there. It is home.

Or is it?

How can it be home when my husband and kids don't call it home and can't simply just move there? Is that home? Is here home?

Yes.

Tangled up with all of that tension is a bit of restlessness. You know, that jumpy feeling you sometimes get? It’s kind of like being afraid but maybe a bit more like eating something disagreeable. You just don’t feel right. Something is off. Is someone there? What is it?

Who knows?

Perhaps if you keep moving, and keep hearing yourself speak in order to convince yourself that you are okay, maybe then you will be okay and maybe you will hit on that thing that is just a bit off and then you can fix it.

Without verbalising that to myself or anyone else, I think that was my 'strange feeling' action plan this week.

It didn’t really work but I guess it was worth a try.

Finally, this morning, it dawned on me. Why put so much energy into fuss and bother? Any break throughs? Any peace? Any lessening of that strange feeling?

Nope.

That’s when the thought of gratitude cracked the horizon.

I know this isn't a great picture but look at her! She is figuring out 'adulting' as she calls it, and I am so proud of her.

Why not lean into the many blessings I have until I completely lose my balance and fall head over heels into the big glorious pile of them?

I made a list.

Beautiful, strong and independent daughters who are able to do their own thing on their own accord.
A working washing machine with piles of laundry at its feet.
A Christmas tree in the living room decorated with lights and ornaments the kids have made over the years. A season of hope.
My job. A place to go everyday, lovely people to spend time with, complete with a paycheck and insurance benefits.

And that was a start.

These two crack me up. Liz and her roommate. Liz had to stay on campus over break as she is a RA. She took the opportunity to turn her wing into a winter wonderland.

Gratitude.

Gratitude!

Why do I fuss and stew? Why do I forget to say thanks?

Farmer Boy read something to me this week which asked the question - "What would you have today if all you woke up with was what you thanked God for yesterday?"

Yikes. It's something to think about isn't it?

Gratitude.

But speaking of stew, how 'bout some soup? Feed the body, feed the soul?