5J: When It's Your Birthday

Hey all.

Good Morning. How's it going? Is it 20 degrees colder than normal November weather where you are as well? Are you a tad worried about the winter ahead like I am?

Let's not go there. Let's sit by the fire a while longer and just hang out.

Today is my birthday. I'm saying hello to my 49th year. I took the day off, I'm still in my jammies and I'm sipping tea as I sit here by the fire.

Hello 49! Not bad so far.

Since the rush was lifted this morning, I sat in my bed and came up with a very general plan for this year. I know, I know, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, so maybe 'plan' isn't the right word. Goal? Outline? Hopes? I don't know. I just want to make sure I'm paying attention and not missing anything.

Let me share a bit of it with you with hopes that it might inspire you to do that thing that will make you come more alive or more grateful or more healthy or more whatever.

So what needs added this year? What do I not want to miss? What needs to go? Where do I want to go?

Tea - Tea needs to stay and more time for sipping it slowly definitely needs added.

A Wedding and A Graduation - two things I definitely don't want to miss. Such big changes. So little control on my part. In case you don't know me, I enjoy control or at least the illusion of it. It makes me feel safe. I know it's a false security but if I'm good with fooling myself can't we just leave well enough alone?

My sweet girl walking down the aisle and my precious boy leaving the coop? Oh Lord. Okay. I get it. My illusion needs shattered. Okay. Okay. I know it's got to go. I see this opportunity for surrender. I see it and I don't want to miss it but good grief. Lord give me strength. Two surrender opportunities in one year is like ice water on my head in the middle of an Iowa July. I know, I know, open arms, not clenched fists. Help me.

Romance - Romance? Yes romance. It needs added. Is that possible at 49 with our 27th wedding anniversary on the horizon? I sure as heck hope so. It's easy to take each other for granted and to settle into our routines. I want it to look like Mr. Darcy walking across the field in the pre-dawn light going for his Elizabeth but I know, I know. But before we move on, let's go there for a moment shall we?

If you've not watched this version of Pride and Prejudice, it's time.

Is it possible that I'm the only 49 year old woman who longs for that? I seriously doubt it and if someone would tell me they have no longings, I wouldn't believe them. Perhaps at 49 it looks like watching a daughter walk down the aisle clutching her daddy's arm and smiling to myself knowing that her daddy is the love of my life. Maybe it's not watching Farmer Boy walk across a field but maybe it's being upstairs putting away his laundry and hearing him talk on the phone with Elizabeth and telling her about the check that just came in the mail for her. It could also be listening to Will and Farmer Boy talk about the latest football game and hearing them laugh together while they are in the family room and I'm in the kitchen making supper.

Is that romance? Perhaps that is old-fashioned everyday love but nonetheless, ruts and routine need avoided if they lead to discontent. Again, just a note to myself to pay attention and not take things for granted.

Screen Time. A big chunk of it needs to go. There are so many movies to watch and so many words on screens that they make two things I love feel cheap. How can that possibly be? I want to remember the thrill of movie night. I want to look forward to reading and cuddling up with a good book. Words used to matter more and weren't thrown around so carelessly. I want to get back there somehow. Again, I have no idea how, but being more picky with what I watch and what I read seems like a good start.

A Writing Plan - Winston Churchill said that everyone needs a past time. I believe he's right. Someplace to be creative. Someplace to do what we don't do during the day. I count money, tend to details and make lists for most of my day. Writing is where I can dream and color outside the lines and think beyond what is practical. It's where possibility is. Dreams. Wonder. Writing is my blank canvas that I get to fill in anyway I please.

Maybe I'll continue to do what I have been doing - writing every morning, creating an occasional blog post - and I am perfectly content with that but I want to pay attention. Is there a way I can add some of my creative self to my everyday 'get-it-done' self? I have no idea but I want to have my eyes open and not be afraid to de-compartmentalize. Am I not knowing what I won't know? Am I not seeing what I won't see? I don't want my stubborn self to get in the way of something beautiful and unexpected.

Last but not least, where do I want to go?

to more gratitude and less critique.
to more surrender and less control.
to joy and wonder and not to fear.
to laughter, so much more laughter.
to quiet places with lamps and books and mugs of tea.
to dinner tables with family and friends.
home to Wellesley as much as I can.
to those places where I get to look into someone eyes and see their real self, their true self and love them completely.
to prayer. Prayer, prayer everywhere because I want to take my precious Lord with me to all the places I go.
Europe. I'd like to go to Europe with my sister and her husband. Maybe that is how I'll roll in the next birthday. Brenda! Let's get this planned.

What do you think? Do you see yourself in any of this? Where do you want to go? What can you get rid of? What do you want to hold onto? What do you need to pay attention to?

I'm am rolling this year in slowly. I'm still in my jammies and it is 10:53 a.m.

Happy Birthday to me!