I just got back from a walk and I feel a sense of urgency, I must get these words down before they disappear like a cloud of smoke.
I was supposed to go to the gym today. It was my day to lift weights. I got up, went through the motions but something inside of my soul said, "Nope. Not today dear one."
The gym felt too much like a shoe box. Too closed in. Too many people. Too much pretending and I just couldn't - not today. So I strapped on my running shoes and headed to my favorite walking place. It is wide open. There is water. I pretend I'm on the shores of Lake Huron.
I got there and told myself I was not allowed to think about anything. No planning. No plotting, No making mental lists. I ordered myself to simply be there. To listen to the wind, the crickets, the birds, and whatever else I might hear. I needed peace and truth to find me.
I suppose a lot of people had the same idea. There were bikers. There were groups of friends walking with dogs on leashes. There were runners and rollerbladers. People kept passing me, I kept saying "Good Morning." Smiling. Wishing they would disappear.
I took an off-road trail. It goes up a hill and from the top you can look down at the water. It is a path much less traveled and off I went.
It rained steadily last night. Today the world is a bit drunk, puddles everywhere, drops dripping when the wind shakes the trees. I got thinking about water and before I knew what hit me I was thinking about wet little bodies running into my arms as I held out a beach towel.
They run right to me, I wrap them up, hold them close, and smell their warm dampness. From wet beach towels I went to yellow school buses and autumn afternoons when off they would tumble, hooting and hollering, backpacks bouncing or swinging, running down the driveway, hollering for me..
I walked into Elizabeth's room this morning. I stopped and just took in her space. I ached. Her room is empty. She is coming home in a couple of weeks and I can't wait, but I know. I know change has come.
While I walked on my off-road trail where no one else choose to walk, the tears came. My soul is still aching. I am in the middle of a transition and although I'm trying to power through and move on and open new doors, my soul is still achy.
I wanted to put these words down because I know I am not the only one in this in-between place. I know there are others trying to navigate this new land with no map in hand.
So I thought about you today. You know. You. The one hacking her way through the jungle of transition.
I was thinking about time, how we mark it, and flip calendars to new months. How days tick-tock by and before we know it chapters have closed. Am I at a beginning of a chapter or at an end?
I am not sure.
How you are doing? Are you teary like me? Are you angry? Are you wistful? Are you excited? Does life feel a little dull or does it feel sparkly and new? Something in between?
Is 'yes' a suitable answer to all of the above?
As usual I have no wisdom to leave you. I hope it helps to know I'm hacking my way through this with you.
Some days you gotta dance.
Live it up when you get the chance.
'Cause when the world doesn't make no sense
And you're feeling just a little to tense.
You gotta loosen up those chains and dance.
Click on this link to watch some dancing.
You are not done yet. You need to get up and make space for this one.
Click on this link to get to dancing.