When It's Time to Bring It

"So the choice a woman makes is not to conjure beauty, but to let her defenses down.

To choose to set aside her normal means of survival and just let her heart show up.

Beauty comes with it. "*

                                 

So we had a 'thing' at work on Friday.

You know what I mean by a thing?

You know.....that thing. 

That thing that you have to do because it's required. That thing that everyone is grumbling about under their breath because they don't want to go either but there is no way out. That thing where everyone sits around a table looking like indigestion/constipation.

So we had that kind of thing on Friday.

We had to take a personality test and each person was labeled by a color. For example, I came out as Gold based on my answers and reactions to different exercises they walked us through. 

What does it mean to be a Gold you ask? Well here is a bulleted list because we golds like it like that. 

• lover of lists
• hardworking
• task oriented
• task over relationship
• reliable
• organized, organized, organized!!

I know some of you who know me will say, "Yep. Sounds like Kris"

I do like me a good task I cannot lie.  I like being productive and working hard to do a job well. I am a Mennonite woman after all.

But here's more truth about me and you can choose to believe it or not. My soul knows it to be true. 

A Gold is who I became.  I could go into all the reasons why but this is not the time or the place. Let's just say that I believe life teaches how to survive and how to get the affirmation we need to feel worthy of taking up space. 

I like quiet places and slow cups of hot tea. I'm the one who would hide away in the living room of my youth and disappear into the blue hardcover Bible Story books for hours. I was lost in words, in pictures, in stories and completely oblivious to time or tasks.

I love to understand why not just how. I long to ignore clocks and throw away all my lists so I can free myself to create, to get lost in words,thoughts, and stories.

I'm the one who can sit by a window for hours and stare.

Just stare.

 

I think my thinks and soak up stillness. I take a break from my voice and from all the others that sometime feel like they pound on me. I escape from questions and production and watch the little things that happen outside my window - the squirrel climbing, the tree dancing, the leaf swaying, the rain racing.

Safety in solitude. Rest from the 'do' and for the soul because sometimes the costume I have to wear gets so very heavy.

Gold is where I've chosen to hide. It's safe there. Everyone gets what they need, everything gets done and I have a way of raking in some affirmation which if I am completely honest with myself, I need more than I think I do.

Am I making sense? Can you relate?

Why do I do it? Why do I put on this heavy costume in the first place? Why don't I simply show up as me?

Well, it's terrifying and it doesn't pay well. I need a job with health benefits and I need to take care of my family. And that is true and real and can't be set aside. It just can't.

So there's that.

So what should I do? I don't like being a Gold and I need to be a Gold. I like to sit and stare out windows but I have to organize, produce, complete, and check things off my list.

Perhaps I need to remember that it's not either or. It's not all or nothing. I'm not just Gold. I know that's true so what should I be ashamed? Why hide the other colors inside me? Why be afraid of sharing them? I'm not less than because I have days that are not productive. I'm not less than because I stop what I'm doing to listen to a co-worker who needs to talk. I'm not less than because I like to be by myself and not speak to anyone. It's not a mistake that I like to lose myself in words and stories. It's all me. And I'm beautiful,worthy and necessary no matter what is going on.

It's true so let me say it again.

I'm beautiful. I'm worthy. I'm necessary.

Just me. Not the job I do. Not the way my hair looks. Not my mistakes or lack of them. Not my impressive Mennonite girl work-ethic and house-keeping skills.  Not even if I make sense or not.

I'm beautiful. I'm worthy. I'm necessary.

Simply because I am who I am.

You are too.

Do you believe it?

"We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide our truest selves

and only offer what we believe is wanted."*

I think it's time to bring it. Don't you?

*Quotes from "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge.