When You Have An Itch You Just Can't Scratch

Ready for today?

Sleep and I wrestled all night. It would win and pin me down for what seemed like minutes but then I'd struggle free. My mind was brimming. Tasks were taunting me, poking me with their 'don't forget' bony fingers and their annoying 'get-it-done' pointy elbows.

After sleep gave up on me I lay in bed until 5am and then it was time to get up.
I worked out.
I sorted laundry.
The day began, the tasks started falling out. Right now they are lined up, nice and neat, saluting me, waiting for my approval and their send off. 
I want to ignore them, pretend they are not there in all their shiny efficiency but it's not possible.
I can't go around them, I can't go under them I have to go through them.
All the way through.

Let's not forget the, "and thens." They seem a bit more sloppy, not as polished and pretty, not as put together as today's tasks. They are distant, hanging out on the horizon like a band of unruly teenagers, ready to get into some trouble.
They look and  sound like this:

And then there is Will's upcoming graduation and the things I need to do to celebrate him leaving me.
And then my sweet girl's wedding is three months away. Three months?! How am I going to get this all done? I need to do this, and then I need to do that, and then I can't forget this and then there's that.

Change.

So much change.
All the way through it.
I can't go around it and I can't tunnel under it. I have to go through it.
All the way through.

Deep breath.

Today I'll watch the clock and salute my tasks as I send then off.
Today I'll sneak peeks at the calendar and try to breathe through everything that is coming, looming on the horizon.
Today I'll let some tears form and be okay with being overwhelmed. It happens and there is a lot going on right now. I'm not going to try and be brave or strong. Not today.
Today I only know how to be me whatever that might look like.
Today feels heavy. It just does.
I know there is much joy in all of this. I know. I know but today joy feels distant like it is also hanging out on the horizon.
Joy hanging out with change? Hmmm. Why not?
Today my soul feels itchy. It doesn't  know how to handle all of this.
It wants to change this, fix that, go back, go forward, but there's nothing to change or fix today.I can't go back and it's not quite time to move forward.
Not yet.
Not today.

And so I pray:

Come Lord Jesus.Please just come.I have no words only soul longings.You knit me together and now I'm asking for help, for some rescue, for something I can't even name.Today simply feels too big and I'm not sure I can today.And yet you know all of it. All of it. All of it.Please come.Please come.