When You Walk Through Swarming Gnats

 My body is tired, my mind is busy. 

I'm thinking about motherhood and being invisible. I'm struggling with feeling angry and frustrated which in truth could simply be because my body is tired but nonetheless my thoughts are swarming.

Motherhood is a sacrifice and the depth of the sacrifice is not fully grasped or understood by those who the sacrifice is made for. 

How many times have the words, "I'm just a mom," come out of my mouth? Do I not even fully understood the depth of the sacrifice? Why do I downplay myself?

The unconditional love that one receives from one's children is amazing and transforming but it is not perfect. It's not perfect because I'm not perfect. I made mistakes and I'm still making mistakes, therefore it is completely unreasonable to expect my children, who were raised by an imperfect mother, to now love me in a way that is perfect.

I will be disappointed. I will disappoint.

I hate disappointment, and imperfection. I always want more and better and complete but that is simply not going to happen this side of heaven.

Ugh.

There is is. There is my gnat swarm of thoughts I woke up with and walked right through, complete with wings, antennae and stingers.

Ugh.

I can not end my time in this place with an annoying swarm of gnats. It's just not going to happen. What truth can I find that will clear away the annoyance?

Here are some words I found from The Message's version of I Corinthians 13.

• Love never gives up.
• Love cares more for others than for self.
• Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
• Love doesn't force itself on others.
• Love puts up with anything.
• Love trusts God always.
• Love always looks for the best.
• Love never looks back but keeps going to the end.

To. The. End.

And that is exactly where we are. 

Amen.