I have a feeling that this post may possibly make no sense. My mind has been jumbled and twisted with many thoughts and I can't seem to break free. Maybe I'll be free when we finish up here. Hard to tell.
First, I must admit I've been thinking about Hugh Jackman. Do you know him?
Would you like to?
For obvious reasons, I like his movies. Sometimes my friends and I talk about him and giggle. Yes, its true. Middle aged women still giggle. Most of the time we keep our silly teenage girl giggles hidden away, but every once in a while out they come, reminding us of where we've been.
Last week my friend Cara, sent me this.
Why Cara? Why would you do this? Is nothing sacred? Are you wanting me to learn not everything that glistens is gold? Why did you have to mess with Hugh? Why?
My mind is having trouble processing this. Clearly Hugh has his moments when he looks, well, not as attractive as he could, but I guess I don't want to see it. I don't know what else to say about this. I simply feel better sharing this with all of you. I'm patting myself on the back right now, telling myself it will be OK. It's time to leave Hugh and move on.
This weekend we went to Omaha and spent some time with friends. We are officially on Spring Break so we took the chance to spend some time away for a long weekend.
While there, I was hit with something completely unplanned for and totally unexpected. While chatting and being together, a black feeling slithered into my mind and spread it's foul venom into my thoughts. Suddenly these friends who are so dear, transformed into people I don't measure up to. They have more education and better jobs. Their kids are excelling and outperforming their peers. They have more friends and closer relationships. Their marriages seemed more solid. Everything about them seemed better, more, and as I looked at myself all I saw was the secretary who works part time at a church, the silly girl who likes to giggle over Hugh Jackman, the one who only wants to work out. I felt insecure and smelled like failure. I tried to push the blackness aside, to grasp truth, but all I seemed to end up with was my own stupidity.
It was real and ugly. I don't know where it came from. My friends are true and dear. They would never think that about me or want me to think that way about myself. They love unconditionally. I know that. However, the blackness had been allowed in.
I wanted to leave. I wanted to be home. I didn't want to hear anymore. I knew this insane insecurity would pass but I wanted it to pass in the solitude that home offers.
We didn't leave. The kids would have been crushed.
We stayed and I fought the blackness all weekend.
Getting home last night was such a relief. Finally I had the quiet that I needed to wrestle the blackness out of my mind. I sat down in the living room with my Bible in one hand and my pen in the other. I drenched myself in truth. Ephesians 5:1 told me I am a beloved child and that I am to be an imitator of God. Beloved. Beloved. Beloved because of the work of the Cross. I am beloved.
Elyse Fitzpatrick's words from Counsel From the Cross was icing on the cake.
Not only are we beloved, but we are also beloved children. All Christians have been irrevocably adopted and given full rights as God's sons. All the riches of grace and blessings of relationship with him are ours now; all that he has is ours by inheritance. We can rest securely knowing that he won't ever abandon us. He is a good and faithful Father. He is devoted to our soul's safety and complete sanctification. Because he has adopted us and made us his children, he is determined that we will be like him. We are his children; we will ultimately resemble him. He is shaping us into his image.
The black slithered away.
I suppose like Hugh, I don't always have my best foot forward. Sometimes ugliness hits and it can only disappear in the beauty of truth.
The weekend was a battle but I'm glad I fought it. I learned something precious.
Beloved because of the cross.
I am still the part time secretary. I am still the girl who loves working out and giggling over Hugh Jackman. I am still the girl who says stupid things more often than she should but here's the truth - I am a beloved child of God.
I'll fight for that anytime.